Quotes from the book "Nonviolent Communication"

Definitely interesting book, but I still need lot of maturity to digest and practice all these concepts. Here are some quotes I felt interesting.

• It's not what you do that counts , it's the quality of your attention.
• Four components of NVC 
• observations 
• feelings 
• needs 
• requests
• Certain ways of communicating alienate us from our natural state of compassion
• The Sufi poet roomie once wrote "out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and doing there is a field I will meet you there".
• In the world of judgments our concern centers on "who is what"
• Analysis of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values
• Philosophy and judging people promotes violence
• Comparisons are a form of judgment
• Our language obscures awareness of personal responsibility
• We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice
• We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave thing and feel
• We can never make people do anything
• Thinking based on "who deserves what" blocks compassionate communication
• Life alienating communication has deep philosophical and political roots
• The Indian philosopher J Krishnamurthy once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence
• The first component of nvc is to observe without evaluating the second component is to express how we are feeling
• People are disturbed not by things but by the view they take of them
• Connect your feelings with your need "I feel XYZ because I need ABC".
• Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt
• Judgments's of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs
• If we express our needs we have a better chance of getting them met
• If we don't value our needs others may not either
• Making request in clear positive concrete action language reveals what we really want
• We language contributes to internal confusion
• Depression is the reward we get for being good
• When we simply express our feelings it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do
• We are often not conscious of what we are requesting 
• Request may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speakers feelings and needs
• In a group much time is wasted when speakers aren't certain what response they are wanting . 
• When the other person hears a demand from us they see two options to submit or to rebel
• To tell if it's demand or a request observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with
• It's a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges
• it's a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt trip
• it's a if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other persons needs
• Our objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy
• Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being
• Don't just do something stand there
• Ask before offering advice or reassurance
• Intellectual understanding blocks empathy
• No matter what other they say we only hear what they are observing, feeling, needing and requesting
• Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking
• And asking for information first express our own feelings and needs
• Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged
• Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding
• Behind intimidating messages are people appealing to us to meet their needs
• A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone's life
• We know his speaker has received adequate empathy when we send a release of tension and the flow of words come to a halt
• We need empathy to give empathy
• Rather than put your "but" in the face of an angry person, empathize.
• When we listen for feelings and needs we no longer see people as monsters
• It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us
• Empathy with someone's "no" protect us from taking it personally
• What bores the listener bores the speaker too.
• Self judgments like all judgments or tragic expression of unmet needs
• Mourning: Connecting with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions we now regret.
• Self forgiveness: Connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret.
• We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame or obligation.
• With every choice you make be conscious of what need it serves
• Be conscious of actions motivated by that desire for money or approval and by fear shame or guilt know the price you pay for them.
• The most dangerous of all behaves may consist of doing things "because we are supposed to"
• We are never angry because of what others say or do.
• To motivate by guilt, mixup stimulus and cause
• The cause of anger lies in our thinking in thoughts of blame and judgment
• It is not the behavior of the other person but our own needs that causes our feelings.
• When we judge others we contribute to violence
• Use anger as a wake up call
• Anger co-opts our energy by diverting it toward punitive actions
• When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life serving feelings
• Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment
• We recall for options when hearing a difficult message 
• blame ourselves 
• blame others 
• sense our own feelings and needs 
• sense others feelings and needs
• Judgment of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies
• Steps to expressing anger 
• stop. breathe. 
• identify our judgmental thoughts 
• Connect with our needs 
• Express our feelings and unmet needs
• Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our minds without judging them.
• People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault
• When you make the connection the problem usually solves itself
• Avoid the use of language that implies wrongness
• Intellectual analysis is often and received as criticism
• Learn to hear needs regardless of how people express them
• Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts
• Maintaining respect is key element in successful conflict solution
• The objective is not to get the parties to do what we want them to do
• The purpose of interrupting is to restore the process
• The intention behind the protective use of force is only to protect not to punish, blame or condemn
• When we fear punishment we focus on consequences not on our own values fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and Goodwill
• Question 1: what do I want this person to do. Question 2: what do I want this person's reasons to be for doing it
• The ability to hear our own feelings and needs and empathize with them can free us from depression
• Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong
• Diffuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs
• Diffuse stress by empathizing with others
• Compliments are often judgments however positive of others
• Express appreciation to celebrate not to manipulate
• Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility
• We tend to notice what's wrong rather than what's right ma'am

Happy Reading !!!